I used to think the only way to get things done was through force and shame. It wasn’t until I realized that the only thing I was consistent at in my life was burning out. Today I will be discussing my journey to soft discipline and how you can apply it into your life.
What if the reason you keep falling off track isn’t that you lack discipline, it’s that your discipline is just a little too aggressive?
If the only thing you’re consistent at is burning out, it might be time to look at how you’re actually approaching your goals. Because you could be sabotaging yourself without even realizing it.
I’ve been seeing all these “75 Hard” style videos everywhere on TikTok lately, and it’s taking me back to a time when I thought that if I wanted something, I had to chase it with full force. Maximum effort, no exceptions. My thinking was:
if I work really hard at this, I’ll get the result faster.
My Team No Sleep Era
As a recovering overachiever and recovering perfectionist, I fell hard into hustle culture. Team no sleep. Team no breaks. Head down, push through, maximum effort, let’s go, let’s get it. That was my whole mentality.
But here’s the problem: your nervous system can only handle so much.
When you’re being extreme with everything, it’s nearly impossible to stay consistent once the motivation fades. And that’s exactly what happened to me, over and over again. I was stuck in a cycle:
- Go really hard on something
- Burn out
- Go really hard again
- Burn out again
The less rest I gave myself, the longer and harder each burn out period became. I had goals I cared about, but because I kept burning out along the way, it took me so much longer to reach them, if I got there at all. Starting back up again was always the hardest part.
The Negative Self-Talk
On top of the burnout, I used a lot of negative self-talk. I ignored every cue my body gave me that I was tired. It didn’t matter what time of year it was or where I was in my cycle. I expected the exact same level of output from myself, every single day.
I didn’t understand how important rest actually was. The only time I let myself rest was when I was sleeping, and even then I was thinking about the least amount of sleep I could get away with so I could start back up again.
It usually took getting sick or fully crashing out before I’d stop. It was my body’s only way to force me to rest. Because otherwise, I would keep going.
Every minute of the day had to be filled with something “productive”:
- Walking? Had to be listening to a podcast.
- Cleaning? Podcast.
- Driving? Podcast.
- Getting ready? Podcast.
I was constantly habit stacking. But what I didn’t realize was that I was never letting myself just be in my own mind. I was filling it with so much information throughout the day and never giving it a break. It lead to so much anxiety and my mind was constantly racing. I was so overstimulated, all of the time.
And because my mind did not know how to rest, whenever I was burnt out and unable to physically do anything, I was beating myself up. Calling myself lazy. I couldn’t understand why I couldn’t just get back up and keep going. My way of being was to constantly be doing. So when I wasn’t doing, my mind was like, “whats going on here? Get up!”
Living in My Masculine
During that time, the popular voices in the personal development and podcast space were mostly men. I absorbed that “hustle at all costs” mentality. So I really fell into that masculine way of being. I ignored all cues from my body that I needed rest. Now more research is showing that women function very differently than men do. But because I didn’t have that information back then, I was forcing myself to function like a man.
What I didn’t realize then was how dysregulated my nervous system had become and how much I was living in a constant state of survival.
Burning It All Down and Starting Over
Eventually I hit a wall. For so long, I had been the responsible one, the strong one, the reliable one, Miss Independent, the go getter. And I was just done.
So when I started healing my feminine energy, I didn’t want a single goal. I told myself that I wasn’t going to have any goals that year. I just read fiction books and let myself be a potato. I was exhausted from living in survival mode and I didn’t want to do it anymore.
Of course, it wasn’t easy. My mind kept whispering the same old stuff: you’re being lazy, you should be doing something, you’re wasting time. It took a long time to unlearn all of that.
I have always really valued discipline. I truly believe it is actually a form of self-love. The real issue was that in the past, I had used it in a forceful way. I had to find the balance between masculine and feminine energy. And not to live in one extreme or the other. It was all about finding the balance. Because there are times where you need to take action to create something in your life. And there are other times, where you can be ok with just being.
At first, when I wanted to get back into the swing of things, I really resisted having any form of self discipline. Even the idea of discipline felt masculine to me. And it was because my mind remembered my past experiences of using discipline in my life. Which was being very aggressive and not allowing any rest. It wasn’t until I realized: I can have discipline without being forceful about it.
That’s when I adopted the idea of soft discipline
Now that I approach my goals with softness, I’m so much more consistent. I listen to my body. I work with my cycle. I work with my energy. I let myself rest regardless of whether I “feel” tired. Rest isn’t something I have to earn anymore. I know it’s essential for keeping my nervous system regulated so I can keep going.
It took a lot of trial and error to get here. But now I’m living by the path of least resistance. Figuring out how to make my energy work for me instead of constantly working against me.
5 Ways to Start Practicing Soft Discipline
If you’re an overachiever or a perfectionist who’s exhausted from all the doing and you’re craving more ease in your life, here’s how you can start applying soft discipline in your life.
1. Work With Your Energy
Get to know your body. Understand what it’s actually trying to tell you.
- If you menstruate, track your cycle for two to three months.
- If you don’t, you can track the moon cycle instead.
- Notice when you have the most energy, when you dip, when you feel talkative, when you feel more introverted.
Use that information to guide how much effort you put into your tasks each day. This takes away so much of the self-judgment that comes from expecting yourself to perform at the same level every single day. Recognize your patterns and work with them. They will show you the natural ebb and flow.
This has been huge for me with exercise. I used to force myself into heavy lifting five to six times a week, expecting the same level of output no matter where I was in my cycle. My mind literally associated the gym with exhaustion and burnout. Now I work with my cycle, train less frequently, and mix in things like barre, Pilates, and sculpt classes to keep it enjoyable. And I realized how much I love to move my body. I just had to find a way to make it sustainable for myself.
2. Shorten Your To-Do List
Pick your top three priorities for the day. That’s it. That’s the list.
Use your cycle patterns to help you decide what it is that you are going to do. You may find that you have more energy on some days and reach a state of flow. And thats ok. You can continue if you would like. But release the pressure to accomplish 500 things in one day.
I used to write out a list of ten tasks a day and if I didn’t finish all ten, the whole day felt like a failure. Even if I completed six of them or nine. I’d spiral: I’m so lazy, I can’t believe I didn’t finish, I have to add these to tomorrow. Nothing was ever enough.
And even on the days I did finish all ten? My reward was a mental “good job.” That’s it. Thats all I gave myself for beating myself to the ground. No wonder I stayed anxious and irritable all the time.
Now, I just focus on three things that actually move the needle. No more busy work just to feel productive.
3. Allow Yourself to Rest
We’re meant to enjoy life. We’re meant to experience it, not just busy ourselves through it.
Somewhere along the way, a lot of us absorbed the idea that rest is a reward you have to earn. That’s not true.
Rest is not a reward. It’s a requirement.
I used to only let myself rest after finishing my top three tasks. Now I rest in between each task, instead of waiting until the end of the day. It makes such a difference. I feel so much happier and honestly, it’s easier to stay consistent when I’m resting along the way instead of pushing through exhaustion. Allow yourself the rest. You deserve it. I promise you can always start back up again after a break.
4. Let Go of Made up Rules
We tend to make up rigid rules for ourselves about what “counts” and then those same rules end up burning us out.
For example, I used to tell myself I had to read a full chapter a day to “count” as reading. So on tired days, I wouldn’t read at all. I had set the bar too high. I also used to believe I had to get everything done in the morning or the day didn’t count as “productive”.
Now? One page of reading counts. Slower progress is still progress. And there’s no rule that says productivity has to happen before noon. I made that rule up, so I get to change it.
Look at the rules you’ve created for yourself. Reevaluate them. Make them supportive instead of restrictive, so you can actually stay consistent. Because consistency, not intensity, is what gets you to the goal.
5. Stop Using Shame
This is the one I had to work hardest on. Using shame and self-criticism to force yourself into action isn’t helpful. It just makes everything harder.
If you don’t have the energy for something or life gets in the way and you don’t complete what you planned, that’s okay. You can try again tomorrow. You don’t have to punish yourself for it.
Speak to yourself how you would have wanted someone to speak to your younger self when you made a mistake: Hey, it’s okay. We can start again tomorrow. This can be fixed.
Give yourself that same self-compassion. You’re just a girl living your life for the first time. You’re allowed to make mistakes.
And celebrate the small stuff.
- Got ready and did your makeup? Good job putting effort into your appearance.
- Made yourself a healthy meal instead of eating out? Look at you, girl.
Be your own support system. Hype yourself up throughout the day, not just at the end of it. Over time, it becomes the default.
A life of Alignment
And if you’re someone who struggles to rest, who’s hard on yourself, a perfectionist or an overachiever like I used to be and you want support shifting into a more balanced, sustainable way of being, I’d love to help support you on this journey.
