So many of us are subscribing to a life of struggle, without realizing it. We often push away the very things that we are wanting because we are so used to living our lives in this way. In a way that resists anything that comes easy. We like to make things harder than they need to be. In today’s blog post, I will share my story about my addiction to living a life of struggle and five ways you can stop too.
I used to believe that everything had to be hard. I fell into this trap, this idea that if something was easy, then something was not right. So whenever I was trying to complete something, or I had a goal I was working on, or something like a to-do list to get through, I had to do it with maximum effort.
A lot of that was instilled in me from growing up with a single mother raising three children. She worked very long hours, and I appreciate her for everything she did. But from a young age, I kind of learned, okay, as an adult, you have to work long hours, you have to work really hard, and you have to do everything yourself. That was my role model. That was the only way I saw life.
Why So Many of Us Fall Into This Trap
I think a lot of people fall into this trap, whether it’s from being raised the same way I was, or being a high achiever where you were rewarded for working hard, or for performing. We subconsciously adopt this idea that the way you get things done, the way to be successful in life, is to work hard. We hear a lot of this from the boomer generation too. If you’re a millennial like me, you know, you just have to work hard and you get everything you want.
But you don’t have to live your life this way. There are people who don’t believe in working hard. There are people who believe you can make your money work for you. There are people who pay other people to work hard for them. So there is a possibility, an ability, to live your life in a way that isn’t hard. Where you’re not having to put so much force into something.
Why It Matters
What we’re not realizing is that this approach to life is not sustainable. It also really takes the fun out of life. I truly believe that living in struggle is a learned experience, and it’s something so many of us adopt that we need to learn how to let go of if we’re wanting a more fulfilled and authentic life.
That’s how I was living my life for a really long time and I was tired of it. Once I realized this doesn’t feel aligned for me, I chose to let it go, and that’s when life started feeling easier. It’s still a work in progress, but this is what I want to talk to you about today, learning how to let go of this mentality that everything has to be difficult, or that you have to work hard in order to get what you want in life. Because it’s not true. This is just an approach, and we can change our approach to things. We just have to be conscious of it.
Learning to Trust Ease
When I went through my healing phase, it didn’t feel possible at first, because everything I had done up until that point, even my healing journey, was working hard toward something. I was so focused on it like a checklist of things to do. Okay, check, move on to the next thing. But that’s not how healing works.
I wanted to live my life with ease. I was so tired of feeling like I was swimming against the current. I wanted things to just flow. It got to the point where I was like, I don’t even want goals anymore. I don’t want to strive toward anything because the way I do it is so exhausting. I was just burnt out.
So for a period, that’s what I did. I needed to heal the parts of myself that had to learn rest was safe and okay, that my value didn’t come from doing things all the time. That I could just be within myself and that be enough. It was really hard for me to understand I could have a different approach, because this is all I had ever known. Resting did not feel safe to me. I had all this negative self talk about how I was being lazy, about how there was so much to do, about how I was never going to get what I wanted because I’m just laying around.
Pushing Away the Very Thing I Wanted
What I didn’t realize I was doing, and I think this is what a lot of us do, is we’re subscribing to this life without realizing it. Whenever you’re approaching life in a certain way, subconsciously, that’s what you’re going to attract more of. So even though I wanted this life of ease, because all I knew was struggle, I pushed ease away so often without realizing it. I didn’t trust ease, I trusted struggle. It was all I had ever known.
I remember having a conversation with my coach in the middle of my healing phase. I had this inner calling to start having goals again, but I did not know how to pursue them without the approach of struggle, or pushing, or being really hard on myself. I wanted goals, but there was this inner resistance, because the approach I thought I had to have was this forceful one. I used a lot of shame and a lot of guilt to persuade myself to get things done. I knew I didn’t want to approach my life that way, but I just didn’t know how to do it differently.
And I know things take effort. I don’t want to put across the message that you don’t have to do anything to achieve things. But they don’t have to be forceful. Sometimes we work against ourselves and against what our bodies are actually able to do, because we’re so used to living in this struggle.
So here are five different things that you should stop doing to let go of living a life of struggle.
1. Stop Trying to be everything for everyone
A lot of us have self worth issues, and we put a lot of value in what we are for other people, in feeling like we need to be needed. Often we’ll ignore our own needs by putting somebody else’s before our own.
It’s okay to care for other people. But when you’re trying to be everything for everyone, and you’re exhausting yourself, and you have no time for yourself, and you’re just living your life for other people and losing yourself in the process, there is a wound within you that says, hey, if I’m not there for them, they could get angry with me, they could stop talking to me.
A lot of us do that for the people we’re in relationships with. And they’re adults. So allowing people to fix their own problems, allowing people to do things for themselves, allowing people to figure their life out for themselves. Sometimes we just want to fix things for other people and that is what is draining us. It’s costing a lot of energy, because now we’re focused on this other person and who’s to say they’re even going to listen to what we have to say.
So learning how to take a step back in your relationships and stop being everything for everyone, healing that wound of needing to be the caretaker, needing to be that person for everybody, feeling like you need to be needed, healing that wound so you can let go of the pressure to help others. That’s not to say you’re never going to help other people. But when helping other people is so tied to your self worth, that’s when it becomes a problem, and that’s when you’re living a life of struggle, because you’re completely ignoring what you need in order to be something for somebody else. To me that’s performative, because you’re seeking validation from something external to you by doing something for them. When really, if they love you, they should love you for who you are, not what you do for them.
2. Stop Trying to do it all alone
Let go of that Ms. Independent persona. Let go of that strong girl persona. Let go of the need to control everything.
I know that when we feel like we’re in control of things, it makes us feel safer. But there’s a lot of things we can’t control. And when we’re putting all of our energy towards trying to control something, it depletes our energy. So learning how you can receive help, even if when you were younger you learned you can’t depend on other people, learning how to let that story go. Because one thing you can control is the type of relationships you have in your life. You can attract people who are willing to help you by being willing to receive help.
When we don’t receive help, what we don’t realize is we’re pushing away the very thing we want most. We’re sitting there wondering, why doesn’t anybody ever help me? Why doesn’t anybody ever do things for me?… Do you let them help you? When people ask if you need help with something, are you like. “no, it’s okay, I got it” or “no, I’ll do it.” OR do you feel like it has to be done a certain way or else it’s not going to get done right?
Maybe you’re trying to protect yourself from disappointment, I get that. But if you’re wanting to live a life of ease, you have to be willing to let people help you. Because you aren’t meant to carry everything on your own. Humans are wired for community and connection, so allow your community to help you. And if you don’t have one, you can build one. When you’re building it, just remember we’re letting go of that Ms. Independent, strong girl, Ms. Controlling persona. You don’t need to carry everything. You can receive help.
3. Stop Being So Serious
I feel like as we get into adulthood, we get so caught up in our day to day tasks, so caught up in our responsibilities, that we forget to bring any joy into our lives. To enjoy anything anymore. I love this concept of romanticizing our life, because things can really start to feel mundane. It’s about creating beauty in the mundane, but also getting out of the mundane. Life is meant to be lived.
So how can you live your life. Your life is not just work and responsibilities. Figure out how you can start adding more joy into your life, so you can create those mental breaks for yourself. So that if you’re working toward something, it doesn’t become an obsession. It’s something you’re working toward, but it’s not the end all be all. You still have a life to live. Go touch grass. Get outside. Breathe. Slow down. Enjoy your life. Life is meant to be enjoyed.
If you’re not really sure how to, because you’ve gotten so used to just doing, think about what you used to do as a child. Go back to that time in your life, or when you were a teenager. Even if revisiting your childhood is hard, what did you used to do to escape? What did you used to do for fun? What did you used to do to lose track of time? Think about those moments and see how you can add them into your life. Something creative. Use your imagination. Create that play in your life.
I used to be really creative as a child, and I’m still very creative, I love creating things. When I was younger, I used to read books and lose myself in the world of these books. I used to love drawing and creating friendship bracelets and jewelry. And I would lose hours of my time just doing that. But it was so much fun for me. So think about those things you used to do as a child and try to replicate that into your life, especially if you were a high achiever and you really only got validated when you were working hard on something or working toward something. Channel that energy in a different way and learn how to play just as much as you achieve. But play more.
4. Stop Living In Survival Mode
I know a lot of us were in survival mode because that’s how we got things done. And at a certain point in our lives, it really helped us. But learn how to let go of that version of yourself, because one, you have a choice too, but two, it’s not supporting you anymore. You have to decide, “hey, I don’t have to live my life like this anymore.” And even if you grew up only seeing that in your life, learning how to let that go. Healing the parts of yourself that are really stuck in this pattern, and figuring out a new way of being that allows more relaxation, ease, and play into your life. Creating a new identity, because sometimes I feel like we get so caught up in a certain identity that it’s really hard to let things go.
I’ll give you an example. My maiden name is Fuerte, which means strong in Spanish. I used to love my last name, I thought it was so cool. So I really identified with this idea of being strong. Everything, I always had to be strong. I was in my masculine. I didn’t allow myself to feel emotion. I pushed through every type of cue my body gave me of fatigue or being tired. I was very forceful with my actions. I was very much Ms. Independent, the strong one in my relationships. And even though I wanted a life of ease and relaxation, I didn’t know how to go about it because my approach was this way, my identity was tied to this version of myself. So when it came to going from point A to point B, I did not know how to do it, and I stuck with this identity of exhausting myself and just living in survival mode.
When I think about when I was a child, I really enjoyed leisure. I really enjoyed being by myself and just creating, like I mentioned before. I wasn’t interested in doing hard work like my mom. I remember she signed me up for soccer one year randomly, and I cried. I tried it, obviously forced to go, and I did not enjoy it. So that was the first and the last time I was ever signed up for a sport. But that version of me that enjoyed that leisure, that enjoyed just creating and just being, I lost her with this striving and goal setting, and listening to men on social media at the time telling me you shouldn’t rest. And if you really want something you have to work really hard for it. And then just seeing how I was raised, seeing my mom working constantly in my day to day life. I forgot this version of me and tapped into this new version, this whole new identity.
Then when it was time to let go of that identity, I had a hard time. I had to start thinking about what does this person who lives a life of leisure, who allows for rest, who allows for ease, what is she doing? And I had to learn how to let go of the survival mode I had developed, and start adopting those traits I pictured this version of me having. Slowly implementing those things into my life. So even though in the middle of it I was in between two phases, I would think about this version of me, point B, and started letting go of how the version of me at point A was acting. And point B and childhood me are a lot more similar. Because that’s who I am authentically. That’s what I wanted naturally. I just fell into this trap of struggle and lived my life in survival mode for a really long time, and that’s okay. Sometimes we have to do things in order to survive, but as we learn, we can grow, we can change our approach to life, and we can let go of this version of ourselves that feels like everything has to be hard and you have to work hard.
5. Stop Falling in Love With People’s Potential
It’s really important to accept people for who they are. Even if you feel like you can help them, or you feel like you can change them, or you just see their potential. You have to let that go. I know this is a common problem for people who are just really caring or really want to see people succeed. What you’re not realizing is you are adding something to your plate that is not yours to carry.
I feel like sometimes, and this is just with relationships in general, we wish somebody was able to be something for us that they’re not, and it’s about learning to accept that and be okay with that, without trying to be pushy or forceful or trying to change somebody to fit into a box they’re not going to be able to fit into. I feel like we cause a lot of inner turmoil, not only taking responsibility for how people are, but also because we wish they were something they can’t be for us. And that is a form of struggle in itself.
So when you’re creating new relationships and meeting new people, believe them the first time. Believe their actions and what they do. Don’t ignore the red flags. People are who they are, and that’s okay. I think when we tap into authenticity, we want to be accepted for who we are, loved for who we are. But we have a hard time doing that for other people.
I think it’s really important to allow people to be themselves and accept them for who they are, rather than having this false hope of what they could be or what you could turn them into. One, that’s not fair, and two, you can’t change anybody. Only a person can decide, hey, this is what I want to change within myself. You can’t force somebody to do that just to make you happy.
If you’re focusing on a relationship based off somebody’s potential, and they just follow along with what you’re saying, remember that kind of goes back to point one. When they’re just listening to everything you have to say and not really fighting against anything, that’s what the relationship is going to be like. And you’re going to be the one making all the decisions and having to do all the things. Because this person is willing to listen to you. But if you’re wanting a life of ease, of being able to receive help, of letting go of this identity of having the world on your shoulders, Then you do not want this type of person in your life. Because somebody who is so willing to listen to you all of the time and do what you want them to do means they’re insecure themselves. And they’re not going to be able to be that for you when you need it most.
It All Served Its Purpose, but It’s Time to Let it Go
So just remember, all of these behaviors, the things you have to heal through, all of these things helped you at some point. But you can see how sneaky it shows up in different ways.
When you feel like you have to take responsibility for things that are not yours, that is a life of struggle. When you choose to live your life in a way that doesn’t feel aligned to you, that is a life of struggle. When you are forceful with things and how you get things done, that is a life of struggle. When you don’t allow yourself any joy in your life, and you are just going from task A to task B to task C, going through the motions of life, that is a life of struggle. And I want you to realize that life is meant to be enjoyed.
Yes, you can work toward something and have aspirations and goals, but you don’t have to subscribe to hustle culture. You don’t have to do it in a way where you feel like you’re the one responsible for everybody and you’re not able to have help. If this is all you’ve ever known, the most important thing you can do is heal those parts and those patterns of yourself. So you can start living a life of ease, because you deserve it. Life doesn’t have to be hard, but you could unconsciously be making life harder for yourself than it needs to be.
So if you’re ready to let go of this struggle, and you’re ready to tap into your feminine energy and be okay with just being, and learning how to balance both of your energies, so you can get things done, but your self worth is not tied to it. If you want to approach life in a way that feels light and easy and flowing with the path of least resistance, and if you’re ready to start living your life that way, I would love to help you.
