The good girl/nice girl/ cool girl, what do all of these have in common? In todays blog post, we will be discussing how these are all just masks that we wear, not because its who we really are, but more of how we are wanting to be perceived by others. And how these masks can lead to a life of resentment and inauthentic connections.
What if I told you that being the “good girl or the nice girl” was less about you as a person and more about how you want to be perceived? We will be discussing how being the “good girl” is a mask that we wear, how it impacts your life and relationships and how to stop suppressing your wants/needs.
You might have been told that you were the “easy child” growing up or you were rewarded for being “nice or quiet.” You’re the one that everyone turns to when they need help because they know that they can always “rely” on you. You’re the easy going one. The cool girl. The one that doesn’t ask for much, but gives so much in return. Or at least thats how you try to present yourself. Because your whole life, you got validated for having these agreeable traits. This lead you down a path of people pleasing.
Its slow and its quiet, but it becomes a habit. You no longer have an opinion, you don’t know what it is that you want or you need anymore. You look to other people to tell you what you should do because you have a hard time trusting yourself. You have a hard time making decisions. You are so far removed from yourself and living your life for other people that you don’t even know how to live your own life.
Here’s the thing. It’s not that you are a good person, its that you get a high off of external validation. Every time someone compliments you for doing something for them, there is a feeling of acceptance and their stamp of approval. You are getting a dopamine hit for being the “helper.” For some people its to avoid conflict. To help keep the peace. But when you are neglecting your own needs, there is no peace inside of you. Because you are exhausted. You’re saying “yes” when you really want to say “no”. You are stretching yourself thin. So much so that you don’t have any time for yourself because you agreed to something you didn’t really want to do.
What is this doing though? The longer you try to keep this “good girl/nice girl image/cool girl” image, the angrier, more alone, and resentful you’re going to feel. So long as you are seeking external validation, you will never be able to live your life authentically. You will be shaping your identity based on how you want that person to view you. Because there’s always going to be a thought in the back of your head. What does this person think of me? Will they get upset with me if I don’t do this?
What is all of this leading to? A life full inauthenticity and unfilled relationships. Not only are you lying to yourself. You are lying to the people around you. It does a disservice to other people when you are constantly making life easy for them. They may only be hanging out with you because they know that whatever they say goes. What if this person needs to realize how their actions affect other people? How will they learn? You will likely continue attracting these types of people. People who are looking to take advantage of you because you do not put up a fight. If you are looking for genuine connection in your relationships, then it has to be a give and take. Not just a take take take
Have you ever heard the saying, “People treat you how you let them treat you?” Think about your closest relationships. What standards are you setting? Would these people be around if you weren’t bending over backwards for them? You may be the person they can always rely on. But can you say the same for them? How often are they there for you when you need them? Do you even know? Or have you never thought to ask because you don’t want to inconvenience someone else. And yet you have no problem saying yes, even though you are inconvenienced.
You don’t have to be a martyr. You don’t have to be self sacrificing. You can have wants and needs without feeling like you are a bad person.
How do we fix this
You are going to start practicing being honest with yourself and the people around you. We’re going to start small because if you have been a people pleaser your whole life then this is going to be a little scary.
You are going to pause before you respond, because you have probably made it a habit to just agree. And then say what it is your gut feeling was or what it is that you actually want.
Small things could be:
- If you ordered something and its wrong, let them know so that they can fix it.
- If someone asks you what you want to eat, make an honest suggestion
- If someone invites you to something, say your honest answer.
Then comes the point of reflection
What feelings came up before, during, and after your response?
You may have felt a little nervous before you responded. You may feel guilty because you feel like you let someone down. Someone may actually get upset with you. But You are not responsible for anyone else’s feelings other than your own. No one’s feelings are more important than anyone else’s. But each person has to take responsibility for their own.
Continue to practice this. Each time, try to pick something that is going to challenge you. Over time, you will drop this need to be the good/nice girl and have no problem sharing your wants/needs. And before you know it, you will have more intimate, genuine, and authentic connections.
