A Life of Alignment and Authenticity Starts With Putting Yourself First
A life of alignment and authenticity can only happen if you are putting yourself first. When you are somebody that considers yourself as a nurturer or a caregiver or an empath, we can adopt this identity of being self-sacrificing.
And it’s interesting because although I do believe that people can have those traits naturally, I also feel like a lot of it is conditioned. We’re rewarded for this type of behavior from a very young age and we adopt those traits and decide ‘yes, that’s who I am.’
Something that we can get caught up in when we are wanting to help other people is losing ourselves in the roles that we play in peoples lives. We lose our identity and we lose parts of ourselves because we are constantly putting other people’s needs before our own.
Are You Exhausted From Being Everything for Everyone?
So many of us are exhausted from being everything for everyone and also feeling like we spend so much time helping other people feel seen and there’s not that level of reciprocity. And I talk a lot about reciprocity because I feel like it’s very important when it comes to having genuine connections with other people.
I know for a lot of us, it can be hard to start putting ourselves first. It may seem foreign when we’re naturally wanting to take care of the people around us because we care and that’s how we may show our love. Maybe your love language is acts of service.
But if you are constantly giving and never receiving, you’re going to be exhausted.
I know there may be some resistance to this. Like, ‘I don’t have time to be giving to myself. I already have such a full plate. Where am I going to have time for myself between all the things that I have to do in my day to day life?’ But that’s exactly why it is so important to put yourself first. Because a lot of the times the caregiver in us (as much as we love helping other people) can start feeling resentful and angry and bitter that we show up for people in so many ways. We’re able to determine and decipher what somebody is feeling, but then get angry when people don’t do that for us.
I know it’s so used, but I’m going to use the airplane analogy. Whenever the masks come down, they say, “Put your mask on before you help other people put their masks on.” And that’s kind of the whole premise of this post. Really learning to put yourself first in all aspects of your life. That’s not to say that you’re not going to take other people into consideration. But when you are self-abandoning or putting everybody else’s wants and needs before your own, you’re constantly going to be feeling anxious, overwhelmed, and tired.
Putting Yourself First Isn’t Selfish
A lot of us may really struggle with putting our needs first. We may consider it as being selfish. Maybe that’s how you were raised growing up, that caring for yourself is selfish. But it’s really not. It’s actually one of the best things that you can do for yourself and for the people around you. Because when you start putting yourself first, it starts to create a domino effect in what you feel like you are worthy of or are deserving of.
How can you create a life that is authentic to you if you are not willing to put yourself first to figure out what your needs are?
What it is that you like, what it is that you’re looking for in a relationship, what you want your life to look like? How can you do that if you are constantly ignoring your own needs? If you’re not giving yourself that time of day, then the energy that you’re giving off is ‘I am not important.’ And so the people around you are going to have that same mentality towards you.
You have to be conscious of the way that you are showing up in the world and the perception that you are giving other people of how to treat you. What you’re going to allow in your life. If you have low self-worth, you’re teaching other people that you don’t respect yourself. It’s just a lot easier for people to take advantage of you.
I do feel like sometimes when you are focused on everybody externally from you and not focusing on yourself, it’s a way for you to not face yourself and what you are unhappy with in your life.
The only way that you’re going to be able to create that authentic life is for you to start choosing yourself
You’re constantly going to be tested to see if you will choose yourself. Because so often we will abandon ourselves to feel love (even though the love may not be genuine) to feel accepted, to fit in, to make other people happy. And then we wonder why we feel so unfulfilled or so lonely when we’ve literally abandoned ourselves to just make everybody else happy.
5 Ways to Start Choosing Yourself First
1. Block Out Time for Yourself
It can be in the morning. It can be in the evening. It can be in the middle of the day. Figure out where in the day you’re going to give yourself quality time to do whatever it is that you need to do.
If it’s first thing in the morning, create a morning routine for yourself to help you regulate your nervous system. Sometimes it’s just learning how to best support yourself in different situations. If you notice yourself getting anxious or overwhelmed, what can you do to help you regulate your nervous system? Just figure out ways in which you can show up for yourself that’s going to support you in whatever it is that’s going on in your life in that moment.
2. Take Care of Your Appearance
How you show up in your appearance will affect how people treat you, and that’s just the truth. Whether we like it or not, people will unfortunately judge you and treat you according to how you take care of yourself.
I’m not saying put on a full beat every day, but you have to figure out what it is that makes you feel good about yourself. Because when you look good, you feel good. You show up in a different way. The energy that you give off is more confident.
It can be as simple as just grooming yourself: washing your face, brushing your teeth, brushing your hair, and putting on regular clothes. Figure out what it is that makes you feel good and present yourself in that way for yourself.
And listen, we can all have our lazy days but I would keep the lazy day outfits for the house. If you’re going to leave the house, just put some effort into making yourself look put together and that you are willing to put effort into yourself. This is for you.
3. Invest in Your Mental Health
For those of us who are so used to holding space for other people, it can be really hard for us to do the same for ourselves. But it’s really crucial for us to have someone to hold space for us as we are working towards creating those more genuine relationships.
Because you are just as important as anybody else in your life
You may not feel that way and that’s even more reason why it’s important to seek help in your ways of thinking, any blocks that you have, any patterns or habits you’ve developed. You need someone outside of you to help you move past those things so that you can start healing from them and showing up in a way where you’ve learned that it’s actually safe to be authentic.
Getting therapy if you are stuck somewhere and need help processing your emotions. Getting a life coach if you feel like you need some accountability and help moving forward. Learning how to support yourself and regulate your nervous system. Our mental health is so important and you are worthy of receiving help.
4. Rest and Relaxation
For those of us who are caregivers, we may not realize it, but we are really living in our masculine energy. We’re fixing other people’s problems, we’re constantly planning, constantly doing for others. Those are all very masculine traits. So one of the best things that you can do for yourself is to plan time to just be.
And this may be something that you have a hard time with if you did not see women in your life growing up resting. It’s something that you have to learn how to do. I had to do a lot of inner work and healing for myself on this because I felt like I always had to be productive. Nothing ever felt good enough. There was always stuff to do. And if I didn’t have what I had planned out to be done, I would really beat myself up for it.
Resting is crucial for not only regulating your nervous system but just creating joy in your life. You can do something for the sake of pure enjoyment: taking an art class, doing pottery, losing yourself in a fiction book, laying down, going to an art museum, going to a park, taking a bath.
Just slowing down and decompressing and relaxing and losing yourself in whatever it is that you’re doing for the sake of pure enjoyment and just being because you are also worthy of resting and relaxation.
5. Hold Boundaries for Yourself
Boundaries are really for you. It’s basically just telling yourself what it is that you are going to allow into your life and choosing yourself when you are tested in regards to these boundaries. Figure out what it is that makes you feel your best and hold yourself to having boundaries around those things.
The types of food that make you feel energetic. How many hours of sleep that you’re getting. Getting daily movement in or however many times a week that you feel your best moving your body, and having that discipline within yourself to show up for yourself and make yourself a priority.
Because often times when we’re feeling tired, our needs are the ones that we neglect and we try to numb ourselves by just watching TV or scrolling on social media. There’s nothing wrong with doing that sometimes, but it can’t be the default. You have to show up for yourself in ways that may take some effort but have you feeling really good afterwards.
It’s just figuring out and choosing your hard and showing up for yourself
Fill Your Cup First
When you start putting yourself first and choosing yourself first, you are going to feel so much more joy and happiness and just a sense of peace in your life. Because when you fill your cup up first, then you can give to people with the excess.
You are just as important as anybody else in your life. I want you to know that and I want you to start believing that because it’s true. Your wants, your needs, you as a person, whatever it is that you want in your life, you are worthy and deserving of it. And you can create it by starting to put yourself first and choosing yourself first.
And if you need help with this process of putting yourself first, I would love to help support you.
